How do I share my story without hurting others?

eight important things to consider when writing about your life

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I work with a lot of memoir writers and one of the top questions I get is how do I write honestly about my life without the fear of retaliation? This is a very important conversation and something I will be writing about in detail here and in my next book that’s all about trauma-informed writing.

I am dropping eight essential truths to think about in terms of writing past pain and dealing with the fear of what others may think. Take time reflecting on each of these. Breathe them in and breathe them out….

First, no one is reading your first draft but you (and those safe few you have chosen to be witnesses in your process). At this point early on in your project, your focus should be on the writing NOT who will be reading. Publishing and sharing publicly can come later. For now, you just need to write as truthfully as you can so that you don’t put the filter on your story before you even begin. The most important thing to do is break the silence on the page without censoring. In the brilliant words of Audre Lorde, “Your silence will not protect you.” Even though it temporarily might feel like it will.

Second, create the necessary distance from writing about painful events that are still too close to home. I’d compare this “up close and personal view” to staring at the page of a book and a piece of art so close that it makes the words or image blurry, but once you zoom out from that super close view, suddenly your eyes can find that focal point so that you can see clearly.

The same goes for writing personal material. If the material you are writing has not been processed and is too tender to write yet, take time to process it so that you can write clearly. Feel free to journal, draw, and reflect through those close stories that way you can relieve the pressure of writing in specific form until you feel available for it. How long do you need to wait? This is personal for everyone- Cheryl strayed wrote Wild ten years after her trek. But this distance is subjective. Listen to your gut, you will know internally how available you are.

Third, you can project onto readers what their experience will be, but you can never predict it. The book you thought would make your mom disown you, might just be the text that brings you closer. Or the book you thought your best friend would love, could be the very thing that results in that heartbreaking friend breakup. The truth is we can’t fully know the response of others, so first and foremost, write your truth, and let go of the control that you can know how others will respond. In the words of Anne Lamott: “You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.”

Fourth, ask yourself if you are writing for revenge or to air out someone’s dirty laundry. This revenge-text motivation never serves in memoir or anywhere really. Step back and see from all sides and angles. Check in with your motives when writing. Steve almond brilliantly writes, “Tell the truth, but aim for mercy.” And Andre Dubus III said when he was writing memoir that involved another, he would ask- “am I trying to hurt someone with this book? If the answer was yes then I wouldn’t write it or I would write it and not publish it. If the answer was no, then I am not trying to hurt anyone. I would go ahead and write it.”

Anytime this fear comes up as you are writing, I’d encourage you to ask yourself the same question– Am I trying to hurt anyone? Write with grit. Write with mercy.

Fifth, if you are afraid of exposing others in your writing, give yourself the permission to change up their identifying details. This may be a character’s name, gender, setting, locations, etc. This will be super helpful in fulfilling your need to write about this experience and another person’s need for privacy.

Sixth, when we write, so many young wounds can show up in the process, like being a peacemaker in your family, a provider and martyr for another, or taking on a caregiver role in your story, yet by doing so, negating your own truth. If you rush ahead in your writing by predicting the fallout (that may or may not ever happen), then you are inhibiting yourself, which may be repeating young patterns in your current creative process (keeping up a ruse, a look of having it together). As Steve Almond writes, “rather than worrying about some unknowable future, put your attention where it belongs: on the stories you need to tell right now.” By being with yourself and letting your story be written without shame, you are becoming the advocate you needed and the caregiver for your writing process.

Seventh, the nature of truth is that it is largely subjective. Remember everyone has their own version of a story to tell. They tell theirs, you tell yours. Andre Dubus’s strategy was to only write about people’s story if it intersected directly with his own. For example, he shared about writing about a disturbing scene of sexual assault that happened to his brother. His experience was that he walked passed the door and heard the sounds from the other side. What he said about how he wrote about this piece has always stuck with me. He said that he wrote from his side of the door (from the hallway) because that was his part of the story. But he wouldn’t write from his brothers side of the door, because that was his story to tell.

As you think about the stories you write and the others that intersect with your own. Remember, write from your side of the door. For ex) One could write about a brother’s addiction, but not from the brother’s experience, that is his own to tell, but the sibling could write about the moments that impacted her and left her with stories of her own. Or perhaps there was a divorce in the family, the parent’s have their own unique story that existed in their world, but their children all have their own based on memory of impact and emotional understanding they could share from.

Eighth, remember, you are in control of the story you want to tell. You get to be the author of your life. You can choose what you tell, how you tell it. You can share it with the world. keep it for yourself. Burn the book (I hope you don’t). But whatever you do, It is all for you. It is all up to you.

I hope these words supported you today!

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