A Memoir Writing Checklist

Some wisdom I could have used years ago

I work with many women who write memoirs, which I believe is some of the bravest and hardest material we could write. Why? Well, there is art in writing a memoir. Writer and memoir queen Mary Karr believed it so much that she even titled her book The Art of Memoir. Here is a quote by her that I love that explains it well.

“I’ve said it’s hard. Here’s how hard it is: everybody I know who wades deep enough into memory’s waters drowns a little. Between chapters of Stop-Time, Frank Conroy stayed drunk for weeks. Two hours after Carolyn See finished her first draft of Dreaming, she collapsed with viral meningitis, which gave her double vision: “It was my brain’s way of saying, ‘You’ve been looking where you shouldn’t be looking.’” Martin Amis reported a suffocating enervation while working on Experience. Writing fiction, however taxing, usually left him some buoyancy at day’s end; his memoir about his father drained him. Jerry Stahl relapsed while writing about his heroin addiction in Permanent Midnight.” - Mary Karr

I resonated deeply with Karr’s words as I wrote personal essays. As many of you know, my background is in trauma and the body, the stories our bodies tell. I came to this thesis work because my own body started speaking through the somatic and I couldn’t help but listen. When I began writing my memoir, it felt like I was plunging into the ocean, feeling the weight of a whole world I’d forgotten or at least wanted to forget… so these words of Mary Karr are, for me at least, undoubtedly true.

A lot of my writing clients come to me thinking writing a book will be easy. They sign up for coaching with a gleam in their eye and I always have to begin by breaking their hearts just a little.

“This is going to be hard,” I say… “Like you are going to go war with your words, with the stories that rise up in you.” They usually smile in response with something like, “ ‘Yeah, totally, I know.” But they don’t really know. A week or two later, when they are neck-deep in their writing. They reach out again. “Megan, I totally see what you were saying. I didn’t know how difficult this was going to be.”

Writing, no matter what genre you choose, will bring up a lot for you, but memoir specifically is not holding back from the truth, not in the least.

Here’s another quote to drive it home:

“In some ways, writing a memoir is knocking yourself out with your own fist, if it’s done right.” - Mary Karr

Okay, so I don’t say all this to scare you away from the process; I'm just being honest. This is sacred work, so you should have a bit of fear; otherwise, what are you writing for?

So, if you are writing a memoir, I’ve created a checklist of all the things to consider as you begin writing yours:

1. First, some kind of introduction or prologue that sets the tone of the book up for your reader. This could be sharing about where you are now and why you are writing this memoir, or it could be a story that sets up the core message of your story.

2. Speaking of core messages, your memoir should have an overall theme or message that the reader will take away with. If it doesn’t have a message, it will feel more like reading a textbook or diary.

Here are some of my favorite memoirs to get inspiration from:

I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings is a famous memoir by poet Maya Angelou. It chronicles her experience of growing up amid racial bigotry and personal challenges.

Wild by Cheryl Strayed follows a woman’s journey hiking the Pacific Crest Trail in search of healing and grieving the loss of her mother.

The Liar’s Club by Mary Karr. describes the troubles of growing up in a family and town where heavy alcohol abuse and psychological problems are common issues, in a non-linear type fashion.

So, what would your message be in one sentence as you consider your memoir? If you can’t narrow it down to a sentence, then the story might be too broad. Hone in. Get specific. There are always more books to be written later.

3. Next, be vulnerable. We read memoirs because we crave truth, the hard truth. We don’t want superficiality; we want depth. I say this quote all the time, but it’s just true…

“No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader,” wrote the poet Robert Frost.

If you feel nothing as you write, your writer will likely feel nothing. You must allow yourself to feel as you write; if you’re not, perhaps you’re not digging deep enough. Keep going.

Speaking of digging, your memoir needs to be honest. I’m not talking about honesty as in getting every memory right for the sake of liability—that’s a whole other article. I’m talking about the honesty that makes a reader want to spend hours in your writing. Why? Because they want to see themselves on the page. They want a mirror. They want to feel less alone. Our memoirs can do just that if we are honest with ourselves and our readers.

4. Pick out a point in time when this memoir is taking place. Is it childhood? Is it during a trip you took in college? Is it during that grunge phrase? Is it that ten-year span of when you were married, divorced, and married again? Think about the frame of time along with the theme, and what the cause and effect was of this story, and you got yourself a damn good memoir.

5. I’m about to drop another hard truth, but you need to hear it. No one wants to read your journal. If your memoir is just a free write, a chance to get all your words on a page, a sort of revenge document, just stop right now. This is great for your internal process and healing, and I recommend everyone journal for the sake of inspiration and recovery, but in terms of publishing, just no. Honor your words, honor your craft, honor the reader, and write with intention, premise, and purpose. Don’t know what that is? Go back to your core theme and the stories that hold it.

5. This leads into the conversation about memoir versus autobiography. There is a difference between them, so let me run through them quickly:

Autobiographies typically cover the author’s entire life. They are usually written in chronological order and focus on facts and history.

Memoirs, on the other hand, usually only cover parts of a person’s life; they can be told chronologically but typically are non-linear, covering various parts of the author’s life as they relate to the theme or message of the book.

To try this, consider the story arc of your memoir. Can you identify three key stories/ moments that pronounce your book's message? Jane Friedman describes these as the big rocks. I love this metaphor.

She writes, “The big rocks in your memoir are the key scenes that support your transformation. Why do we start with these “big rocks?” Because if you start with the pebbles (the stories that are interesting, but not pivotal to the story), it’s easy to get sidetracked.

First, look at the big rocks you identified. How are they connected? Do they tell a clear story of transformation? We want to make sure that each big rock builds upon the last, adding complexity to your journey. If it doesn’t, revisit your list of big rocks. Is each one key to your transformation? If not, place it on a backup list. Then, identify what’s missing.

Although your story builds on one main conflict, additional challenges probably weave through it. These will be your subplots or minor themes.

Brilliant, right? So, as you map your memoir, consider the big rocks and the small pebbles that shape it. If you’re like me and need all the visuals, draw them out. Create an arc and begin to map out the layout with the big rocks at key points and the pebbles weaved in between.

Alright, that’s it for the memoir checklist today! Are you excited? I’m excited! Now, go write your memoir, and let me know how it goes!

Want support for your journey? I am taking on a couple of new 1:1 clients for Book Coaching and Manuscript editing. If you are interested in working together. Email me about your project and what you need support with at info@yourbookyear.com.

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Hi friends, I am so glad you are here. I am Megan Febuary, Author and founder of For Women Who Roar and Trauma-informed Writing Coach. This is a free and paid platform. You choose how you would like to support. Your subscription supports my work as a writer, teacher, and creative. It says, Megan, I believe in you. This work is important. Keep going! I hope you enjoy it and that it inspires your writing and healing journey.

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