A conversation came up recently about how triggering it is to get a pelvic exam and Pap Smear if you are a sexual trauma survivor. I avoided getting mine till I was 30 and then waited another ten years, until today. I wrote a poem about it and wanted to share it with you.
Prep for a Pap Smear ( A Poem)
I took a 45-minute shower
Washed with Irish spring Shaved like it was my wedding night
Made up my face with a highlighter, lip gloss, and an eyebrow pencil
But no mascara (I think you know why)
I put on an Iron Maiden shirt that I bought from a vintage store and combat boots that make me feel tough
Fixed my hair with a messy bun and parted my bangs with an overpriced salt spray Thought about skipping the appointment like I used to skip school
Who would know, right?
Took two Advil beforehand to help alleviate the pain
On the drive over, I turned the radio on silent and said to my younger self
You are safe and you are consenting to this
You are advocating and caring for your good body
I step into the office, reminding myself how to breathe
It is bright and women-run
My doctor has tattoos and it makes me immediately relax
I like her even after just one minute
During the procedure, we joke and it works
I laugh like I would with a friend
Above me is a skylight, I watch the birds fly over, I watch them, but I don’t fly away This is the first time
The doctor says everything looks completely normal
I didn’t know how much I needed to hear this
On the way home, I listen to Bohemian Rhapsody on the radio
Loud and with the windows down
And say thank you, thank you, body
You did it, and you came out intact and embodied
We could do this again
For women reading this, I hope it inspires you and reminds you to take that next brave step toward your health advocacy. I know it can be scary and so vulnerable, but I believe in you!
Here is a writing prompt for you to engage with as well: Write about the last time you had a doctor’s visit, what it was like for you, and how you felt when you left. What has your relationship with healthcare highlighted about your relationship with your body?
Sending you lots of love, Megan
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I am a puddle of tears. Thank you for your words.
Beautiful. Thank you for sharing the bravery and tenderness you allowed yourself to feel. It is a gift to all.🙏💕